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Moving

So: after almost twenty months, more Estate Agents than I ever hope to encounter again in the rest of my life, an architect, a team of builders and a deep immersion in the auction houses of London, I am moving into my new house this weekend.

The children have already seen it and given it their unconditional approval, which is heartening, as I chose it largely with them in mind – as you would, of course. When I saw it, I wasn’t completely convinced – in fact, I was quite anti: but the endorsements of Sister, Parents, Old Friend at Work and Best Friend all brought me round and now I am enamoured with it. This is probably due, in no small part, to the fact that it no longer has mahogany floorboards, a black quartz kitchen floor and blue and white tiles in the bathrooms (one of the reasons I have spent so long not living in a house that I have owned for six months is that I decided to bite the bullet, do ALL the work – and spend ALL the money, rather than do it in drips and drabs, which would be disruptive – and I think everyone’s had enough disruption to be getting on with…), and is now exactly as I would want it.

It’s also the first time that I’ve lived in a house of this style: very modern and open-plan, rather than old and self-contained rooms. Again, I am now delighted with this way of living, and it’s also quite therapeutic to be living a new life in a new kind of space, rather than in a version of the houses that I shared with Ex Wife.

So: good times ahead. The children are excited, and I’m excited. If I can put up with the navy blue front door until the Spring, when I shall re-paint it (and there’s more than enough woodwork to be painting in the meantime), then all shall be rosy in the garden. Assuming some cunt hasn’t planted bamboo in there…

The Wrong Sort of Energy

Who is to say what the factors are that will guarantee the creation of a positive environment, fizzing with positivity, “can do” spirit, determination to “go the extra mile” and other assorted marketing-speak calumnies?

Well, I think I do – and as such, I have, of late, been devoting my energies to creating exactly that kind of environment in which great things can happen. This has meant a focus on the basics, the foundations, on which the palace of creativity can rest certain and sure, reaching to the skies. My focus has been on project naming.

One of my clients is pleased to call the projects in their marketing plan by code names that correspond to contemporary pop musicians. Thus we have bent our collective minds around Project Lennox, Project Shania and Project Velvet, to name but a few – and it was with an eye on the next one, a series of launches, that I had decided to concentrate most of/all of my working day. I had decided, dear reader, that I should know no happiness unless the next global marketing project was named after that Titan of the modern music scene, Justin Bieber. I wanted to see “Project Bieber” all over spreadsheets and PowerPoint slides, presented with a straight face by an assortment of earnest marketers. To me, “How is Bieber looking for LatAm?” and “Are we going to have funds for Bieber in India in Q3?” was more important a thing to make happen than almost anything else I could imagine, and so I set about (with the happy, bright-eyed collaboration of the entire agency team) of making a damn good case as to why the future was bright, the future was Bieber. “Most Googled individual”, “Responsible for waves of hyper-enthusiastic response among a young demographic” (that’s right – I refer to “Bieber Fever”) and many other soundbites were submitted in defence of why we should all be talking Bieber in 2012.

And what happened?

Project Adele it is. I see no reason to continue: where is the humour in that? I am (we all are) gutted.

Having anything to say about Waitrose is almost as difficult for me as wearing a hat in Church would be: it feels wrong, I know it to BE wrong and it makes me feel desperately uncomfortable.

And yet, and yet…

Until I move into Future Home, I am still living with my saintly and fantastic parents, and part of my residence has been my insistence that I buy the food and wine. This has meant my going to the local Waitrose (can you imagine the combination of Richmond and Waitrose, it’s like an upper middle-class apocalypse) every Saturday morning at 8am, before the local retired majors and actors turn up.

Now: if your heritage combines Scotland, Ireland and Italy, you’re going to get a group of people who like a drink. This means that on most weekends I am buying at least six bottles of wine for the forthcoming week – and this is where the problems begin. There is a woman (and there is no nice way to say this) who works on the checkout, and is the spitting image of the dwarf from “Don’t Look Now” in a tabard, and she combines this with an eternally downbeat manner – which is kind of understandable, and if she is ever on the tills when I am waiting to pay there is a ritual which she always goes through. She sees two bottles of wine hit the conveyor belt and enquires, “Oooh: are you having a party?’ (delivered in the exact tones of her asking “Are you chemotherapy?” and every time I see her, I have replied “Yes” – because it’s quicker.

But this morning, I got bored of the thought before I was even asked and started thinking of possible responses to “Oooh: are you having a party?’ and at the moment my top five intended are:-

  1. “No. I’m an alcoholic.”
  2. “Just drinking to forget. Drinking to forget.”
  3. “THEY put them there. THEY MAKE ME BUY THEM.”
  4. “It just makes Communion go with more of a bang if we use a bit of the… you know…”
  5. “Yes – seven for seven-thirty. Bring a bag of crisps and a goat on a bit of string.”

Dude, Where’s My House?

Ah, the horror, the horror!

How well I remember the feeling from the first house that we bought (sight unseen by me, as it happens, with Ex-Wife and my mother making the decision together – and doing a fine job of it), when the builders have started to knock the living shit out of the structure that you have just paid a fortune for, and you’re left with the sort of environment that one would more readily associate either with heavy shelling or installation art -  the former being only just marginally worse than the latter…

And so it proved again, when I went over to look at my new house on Sunday: much of it has gone (fortunately, the bits that the architect and I had decided SHOULD go) and there was rubble everywhere. The drawing room was home to four lavatories, the dining room was piled high with smashed tiles, and the kitchen appeared to be nothing but concrete slabs. Everywhere, windows had been leaned against walls, in readiness to be re-inserted into the new, extended structure (maybe it’s true what David Hare says in “The Breath of Life” that my generation’s legacy shall be “We came, we saw, we knocked through”…) and I was left with the panicky feeling of “This will never be done” – but then I get that feeling when painting a cupboard, so maybe I don’t need to worry too much.

In fact, if Gigantic Builder (seven feet tall, hands like coal shovels, tattoos on his arms that could contain the entire text of “King Lear”) is to be believed, it will all be done in mid November – which feels incredibly unlikely at the moment, but if they’re as quick as putting stuff in as they are at ripping shit out, then it’s probably feasible. It’s been like having two jobs, doing all this – and I have had a hell of a lot of help from a hell of a lot of people – and I can’t wait until my bit of it is done. The only thing I haven’t done is chosen tiles for the kitchen walls: this was always Ex-Wife’s area, and so I’m slightly nervous of bollocksing it up. UAG put in a bid for duck egg blue, but that’s so ridiculous, that she might get a punch in the tits. My sister has good ideas, but a VERY unrealistic idea of “budget”: so my conversations with her often involve the sourcing of high-end glass and marble compounds from individual suppliers, and then my concern over whether or not they could (instead) be found at Fired Earth.

Ah well, it is a “luxury problem” to have – and if I do fuck it up and end up with a wall full of turquoise tiles that I thought would be very pale grey, I suppose I can always rip them off and start again…

Oh well… another alternative career tumbles down and crashes around my feet, like the shards of a ten feet sheet of sugar toffee that has been hit with a sledgehammer. It turns out that I am NOT going to be an architect  – and the reason for this is clear: they have far bendier brains than I have.

This is a bitter-sweet realisation for me: with the bitterness of a career path dashed, is the joy of the architect’s plans for my new house – which make it crystal clear that he is going to have me living in a semi-detached PALACE, rather than the house I (sort of) bought by accident. I have spent a number of meetings with him whereat what has come out of my mouth has been along the lines of “Of course… I see… Yes: quite right.” but what has been going through my head has been much more along the lines of “WHAT? WHAT? HOW? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? You can’t do THAT! That’s MAGIC! What do you MEAN: “Move a wall”? You can’t move a wall. WHO ARE YOU?” Fortunately, he then gives me plans to look at and (perhaps because of my time spent designing sets) I can translate those very easily into reality – even if I do always subconsciously wonder where the lighting rig is going to fit and how we’ll accommodate the army for Act IV in a downstairs loo.

I am now in a state of wonder and admiration for all architects and those who understand their ways. They are magicians of space and concrete – and that is a good and noble thing to be.

Locating Sheffield

I had an invitation from Woman With Whom I Share A Godchild to the theatre not so long ago – a date suggested and (very swiftly)locked.

What neither of us had really factored into the plan was that the theatre was in Sheffield.

To be fair to WWWISaG, she had rather more reason to be ignorant of the exact locale, what with her being American. I, on the other hand, have absolutely no excuse at to thinking that it was probably in Zone 6 of the London Underground, or (at most) a thirty minute train journey out of London. This, to be clear, is not the case. Sheffield is a long way away from London: it’s a two-hour train journey, and once you get there – and you might want to sit down if you’re not already doing so – people talk with a differently inflected accent. True.

Anyway: we worked out the facts, and we committed to it. It was going to be a laugh and a carry on anyway (she’s very funny, amongst her many other recommendations) and it was in the service of Shakespeare (for whom I have seen Hamlet in Bulgarian, a Kabuki King Lear and – worst of all – Gary Wilmot as Bottom in A Midsummer Night’s Dream in an open air theatre…) – so this seemed like a walk in the park, as it was to go and see Dominic West and Clarke Peters in “Othello”.

It was phenomenal. Dominic West is by far the best Iago I have ever seen: playing the part as a common sense talking, all-round good lad whose blunt logic takes him very credibly from “passed over” to “revenge by murder”. The best I have seen before were Ian McKellen and Simon Russell Beale – shrewd strategists and cold calculators both. West’s was the most credible soldier I have seen in the role. To be reductive (not for the first time), it seemed to me that this man was a soldier, a man of the army first and last. The army is about rules, rank and death – so if you break what are seen to be the rules of rank, then it’s only logical that the price will be death. The army also doesn’t welcome ”the feminine” – and so, without a hint of trendy sexual politics or an alien extra-textual gloss, we saw a man who had no time for women: from his own wife, to Othello’s to Bianca. They got in the way, and were best used as pawns in the real matter of men dealing with men, according to the rules that they had chosen to live and die by.  He avoided any hint of bathing in his own wit, smoothness of ability to control and played it straight down the line as good bloke to whom anyone would turn with a problem – and it was more unsettling as a result than any other painted, obvious villain.

He was equally matched by Alexandra Gilbreath as his wife, Desdemona’s confidante, Emilia. Sunny, smirking, taking nothing seriously: this characterisation served her brilliantly for the full guns blazing of the final act when she recognises her complicity in her mistress’s murder, at the hands of her own husband. She was railing at her own stupidity, horrified at how she could have been so naive, just as much as how her husband could have acted as he did.

Desdemona was great too: heart-stoppingly beautiful and credible in a real dog of a part (the only other comparably sized part that is as stinky is surely Miranda in The Tempest), she made goodness alluring, and handled the scenes with her father better than I have ever seen them done.

Clarke Peters didn’t quite do it for me, sad to say. His was the most “in love” Othello I can remember seeing (helped by the staggering beauty of his wife) and so the pathos of the finale really was enormous. But love seemed to be the only emotion that he did suffer an excess of: jealousy did not appear to be a problem for him – certainly not the sort of emotion that Iago needed to warn him of – and when he entered to commit the final terrible murder, he had the air of a man who was about to dial in for an irksome, overlong conference call, rather than one who has convinced himself that there can be no other course for him than to kill his once-loved wife. That said, he was an entirely credible commander of men, that Desdemona should defy her father for him seemed very possible and he seemed to be bowled over with love for her. He also managed the (almost impossible) “falling into a faint” sequence in a way that was neither embarrassing nor half-hearted – and that alone was a first for me, so he should be praised for much.

I can only say that I am very pleased to have discovered Sheffield – and with such an excellent companion – and that if the next show weren’t “Annie”, I would be up there again.

My Tells

The many Poker players among you will already have scented what my theme is.

I have been advised (a number of times) that I have a set of “tells” which announce a set of different emotions on my behalf.

I have seen this in others, of course. In Best Friend, it is the planting of both feet at shoulder width to announce “You and I are going to fall out, sunshine.”

With Old Friend at Work it is the simple words “Are you joking?” to announce “The next fifteen minutes are going to be the worst of your life – and I shall fill each one of those with such invective as could take the paint off an ocean liner.”

With me, they are as follows:

  • Emotion: “Disregard for your intellect/the content of what you’ve just said”
    • Tell: “It’s like shutters coming down over your eyes” (to quote someone who’s seen it).
  • Emotion: “Warm Anger”
    • Tell: “Lion Hands” (fingers splayed, and bent back into “claws”)
  • Emotion: “Cold Anger”
    • Tell: “Shark Eyes” (to quote Old Friend at Work’s assessment, followed by the qualification – “I would rather be dead than have those shark eyes turned on me”).

In my line of work, of course, it’s the first that’s the most dangerous, as I have to spend a fair (or, as I would argue warmly, an unfair) amount of my time doing my “nodding and encouraging and “I’m sure there’s something in that” face – and yet it is that first tell that I have been advised/warned of most often and most consistently.

I wonder if I was born with it?

Alternative Careers

I am currently pondering alternative careers, their ups and their downs – and I think I need to put a few thoughts “out there” (by which I mean: “on here”).

Architect: I have just employed an architect and it is costing me a lot of money. He is a very nice chap, and seems to be full of good ideas about making my new house into something akin to a palace, and I’ve decided that he probably has quite a nice life. In my head, I see him sitting down at a big table, drawing things with Fineliner pens (which I am very keen on), with his tongue poking a little bit, with his wife saying “How’s it going?” every now and then, as she brings him a coffee which has to be set a long way away from his VERY IMPORTANT DRAWING. I wouldn’t like the measuring bit, and if there were any bits when people/clients didn’t do exactly what I wanted, I’d probably get a bit miffed, but on the whole, Architect is on the list.

Writer of Effortlessly Brilliant Comedy: I know I could write something better than “My Family” – and that’s been the most popular sitcom on British TV since The Battle of Marston Moor (1644). The modus operandi I have for this is rather different: it involves me working from a book-lined study (got), overlooking distant rooftops and squares (got), in a cardigan (got rather too many of), while my housekeeper (not got – and probably wouldn’t want, on reflection, but I don’t want the whole house of cards to come down) prepares lunch. This very traditional scenario is at odds with the comedy that I produce that is edgy, incisive, can take you to the brink of tears and induce rocking gales of laughter within seconds. Its principal aim is for me to be able to look slightly surprised and “I’m only bothered about the work-y” at all the industry award ceremonies that I am such a feature of.

Critic: On a similar platform to the “My Family” analysis above – it is crystal clear to me that if Cosmo Landesman (who manifestly hates cinema) can become the film critic of The Sunday Times, then I, who really like the cinema could probably become film critic of the universe. I wouldn’t be as “oh, the craft!” as Mark Cousins, nor as furious as Mark Kermode – and obviously, I wouldn’t just read out the PR blurb, which is what the recent pretenders to Barry Norman’s crown appear to do. But I reckon I could ensure that we see a lot less of Tom Hanks, which is pretty much all that I would be interested in achieving.

Inventor: I like fucking about with stuff, but I’m shit at physics. Youngest Son is shaping up to be brilliant at the kind of reason that one needs to master the subject, so I might co-opt him early and make him “come in with me”, otherwise, I’ll probably only REALLY be able to invent things that are “things glued onto other existing things – perhaps with a handyclip on them” – and that’s not the scale that I see myself doing the job on.

The truth is probably this: I am after something where I don’t have to put up with “workshops” – and all of these careers strike me as being pretty workshop free. They are also well-suited for one who does not count himself as a “team player” (a point mentioned in my latest appraisal, of which more later, if I can be bothered), as they have the distinct advantage of the team including one person: me.

Hounded for Sex

Well: this is a turn-up.

I am being cyber-stalked for sex by a woman with whom I have already HAD sex.

It’s all very exciting, as I am sure you can imagine. It seems that Woman In Whose House I Fell Over While Removing My Jeans is keen to “see” me again, and while it doesn’t necessarily feel like the best idea; given that my previous provider of all things sexual (Unfeasibly Attractive Girlfriend) is now on distant shores, beggars can’t be choosers.

And so it is, that I find myself sending jaunty, flirty texts and arranging a “hook-up” like a man half my age. I shall, of course, apprise you of the details (in so far as decency and memory permit) and will do my level best not to let the removal of my trouserings prove such a barrier to remaining upright (fnarr fnarr) this time.

See this as an open letter, if you like. It needs saying in an open forum and that’s as near as I can get to one in our DigiWiki2.0 world. I’ve got something that needs saying and that needs to be heard and it is this: “You are testing my patience, Fiona Shaw.”.

I was OK with the “True Blood” news. In fact, I was pleased for you: you deserve the rewards that this should bring you, both financial and profile-related. You did exceptional work in “John Gabriel Borkman”, what with Ibsen being made for you in the manner of a pair of fine gloves – but you have (thus far) refused to bring it to London. OK, fine – I can live with that.

What I CANNOT live with is the news that your return to the London stage is as a director of opera. And yet, what do I see in The Sunday Times this weekend, but an advert for “The Marriage of Figaro” directed by you. Now look: I cannot deny that you did a terrific job on your last ENO outing, but that’s beside the point. That production of “Antony and Cleopatra”, directed by Deborah Warner isn’t going to stage itself, you know. You are the perfect age for it now, and you haven’t done a big Shakespearean role in decades, literally. Do YOU think that’s good enough? I think if you really think about your behaviour, you’ll realise that it’s not on – and it’s not just this, there’s lots more besides. You need to get “Medea” filmed. Likewise, I would suggest “Happy Days”. Brecht is not terrific on film, so I shall let you off  “Mother Courage”, but then there are the other projects that I have mentioned to you before, including Volumnia, and (I would suggest) Mrs Alving.

So please: think about what you’re doing, get the direction off your chest and then get back ON the stage. Yes?

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