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If anyone is interested in knowing about a gap in the market (and, I dare say, a market in the gap) then stories of the Saints, told for children (ie: the cool bits, with only a glancing dose of holiness) is a real opportunity. This half term’s homework has been for each of our children to choose, learn the story of, write about and illustrate the life of a saint.

Eldest Son chose St.Michael (on the grounds of the expulsion of Lucifer from heaven, and the artistic possibilities of angels fighting that this afforded him) and did a fairly good job of it, relying only on Wife’s understanding of the story – which was more than adequate. His drawing looked a little like one of the fat cast members of The Simpsons dancing a tango with a lizard, but otherwise, it was a fine job.

Daughter decided that she wanted to do “her saint” (ie: her birthday falls on this saint’s fete day), with whom she shares (some of) her name) – and so it was that we found ourselves researching Saint Martha. Again, I knew the bare details, but I thought that I would double-check and see if I could add anything more interesting around the edges, so I had a quick scan of our library and happened upon “100 Saints”, and found a Guercino painting and a page of dense text about the saint’s salient details. Daughter translated the story into her own world, making it a story of unfairness, sibling rivalry and “telling”: “One day, Jesus was coming to Mary and Martha’s house. Martha was cleaning and tidying up and cooking, but Mary was NOT helping her. Martha went to Jesus and said “Jesus, I am doing all the tidying and Mary isn’t helping AT ALL…” – and so it went on…

But it was Youngest Son who proved most true to character in the choosing of his saint. He tells the story of Saint John the Baptist thus: “St John the Baptist went to the desert, and he knew that Jesus was coming, so he told all the people that they had better say that they were sorry, because God was sending his son to look after them. To make them really sorry, he made them stand in a puddle and poured water on their heads, which he said was baptising them. But then Herod came and killed him and put his head on a tray.”

This account is, of course, pretty accurate, if a little disconcerting to read, casting (as it does) John as a vaguely threatening figure, warning everyone that they’d better watch it because God’s coming and THEN they’ll be sorry;  not to mention someone who got his jollies by making people stand in puddles. Needless to say, it wasn’t until the introduction of Herod into the story that Youngest Son really perked up – and the sense of “serves him right” in the above narrative is certainly no accident if Youngest Son’s disgusted expression on hearing the life story of this most significant of saints is anything to go by.

But it was while browsing the books, the internet and so on, looking for a digestible and diverting version of these stories to use as a starting point for this homework that I was struck by the realisation that such a collection just doesn’t seem to exist – certainly on the Net, though maybe it does in printed form. Any takers?

The Best Comment Ever

World’s Greatest PA has introduced me to my new favourite comedy website: www.regretsy.com , an edited highlights (or, more properly, the low points) of the “craft and trading” website, etsy.com.

I am extremely pleased with her, not simply for introducing me to the world of the “mature plush teddy bear” (hand-made teddy bears, with startlingly plump vaginas stitched in somewhere just below their belly buttons), but for the manner in which she helped me find the image in question.

She came to my desk, gave me the address, and then, as I scrolled down the toolbar to find the picture she guaranteed “I would love”, she issued the following, straight-faced instruction:-

“Scroll down. Scroll up. Up. Click on “Vaginas”.”

That I should hear this instruction issued by her is a happy and good feeling.

Last night was my first visit to Deborah Warner’s production of this great, great play. It won’t be my last. I’ve booked tickets for two further performances and I cannot wait to see it again, and again, and again.

I pretend no impartiality when I discuss this great actor. I think her Hedda Gabler is the greatest performance I have ever seen on a stage, regardless of gender or material. I think her Electra and Medea were both definitive. She brings an intelligence and an immediacy to everything she does, and she is totally in control of the fact of her medium. There are few others (Judi Dench, Daniel Day-Lewis, Antony Hopkins) whom I think bear comparison (as stage actors) – so I was always going to like this (unless it turned out to be a hideous reminder of that cheek-burning awfulness “The Powerbook”, the hysterical, indulgent, unimaginative, DOA torpor of which is with me still).

Was it good “Brecht”? I don’t know – but then part of the joy of any Shaw/Warner (the brilliant Deborah Warner was watching her own production on the night I went, as she was when Me As A Protestant went – commendable commitment to the theatre as an ever-changing art form) is their lack of reverence for how a play “should be done”. “Hedda Gabler” should be a stately progress through the defiant disenchantment of a strong woman who chooses death before dishonour – but they reinvented it as a frenzied run through the last days of a woman who was cowardly and terrified of how she had lost control of her life. “Medea” should be a horrifying revenge of how an older woman exacts revenge on her former husband through the calculated slaughter of their children – but they reinvented it as the story of what happens when passion runs out between two people, where the children are collateral damage. “The Waste Land” should be read…. And so it goes on.

What I know is that last night was a boisterous, fresh and vital production of a play that I would have believed had been written this year. There was no “reverence” (but nor was there – nor is there ever – any disrespect), no sense of “inherited best practice” or anything that felt accepted, rather than felt. Absolutely fresh-minted and lively as hell. Having the songs performed by Duke Special and his band was a great touch: this Weimaresque pixie and his band created a great score of new songs, orchestrated somewhere between 1930s nightclub, gypsies’ wedding and rock concert, and the eponymous leader rightly shared a final curtain call with Shaw.

And she was astounding: a performance of enormous energy, commitment and intensity. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the fake smile she mustered to convince the soldiers that the body in front of her was not that of her son – and I think the great triumph of the performance was the decision to stress the Mother in “Mother Courage” (too often have I seen a defiant, hip-swinging roaring girl who “happens to have children”). These were some of the most credible family relationships on a stage I have ever seen (the relationship between Swiss Cheese and Katrin was peerlessly executed; and Courage’s love for the daughter she claimed to see as ordinary was palpable). That iconic scene (as memorable as Vladimir and Estragon standing still, not going, if not more so) when Courage strapped herself to the cart and started to pull it forward made my heart pound: it captured all the nebulousness of the description of the stage direction. Was it defiance? Was it the indomitable human spirit? Was it despair? Was it clinging to all she had? It could have been any one of those – and the reason I feel so excited to go again, is that I know the next time that I see it, it will be something entirely new.

When Fiona Shaw came forward (after prolonged insistence) for her final call, and (it transpired, standing ovation) from the audience, it was her absolute due. A towering performance in a fire-cracker of a production. If you can get to see it, do.

Nose to Tail Cookery

I saw Best Friend last week, thank God.

She’s one of the few people I always feel better for having seen (and one of the rather greater number whom I always wish I saw more of), and what made it all the more fun was that we ate at St. John’s in the City: the home of “nose to tail cookery” – and this is just to record that whilst I ate neither nose, nor tail, it was one of the best – and incredibly reasonable – meals that I have had in a long time.

“The Power of Yes”

Well: I feel rather stupid.

I thought I was off to the National Theatre to see “Mother Courage and Her Children” starring Fiona Shaw (a production that, in spite of its delayed Press Night and decidedly mixed reviews, I am assured by Me As A Protestant has rekindled a love for Brecht in him – so that’s pretty high praise…), and it turned out that I was going to see David Hare’s (equally schizophrenically reviewed) “The Power of Yes”.

Once I’d actually LOOKED at the tickets, and realised that I wasn’t just going to see a different play, I was also going to see this with my parents, rather than alone (Miss Shaw being someone whom divides opinion, but about whom, like Shakespeare, Steiner, Titian, Matisse and a few others, I am not prepared to hear negative opinions – so I tend to worship at that altar  alone), I started to get very excited. I am absolutely in Hare’s camp. I think his work is serious (which is not to say that it can’t be, simultaneously, incredibly funny), heart-felt, ambitious and extremely accomplished. Like everyone else, he has his ups and downs: but I think a man who has given us “Plenty”, “Racing Demon”, “The Absence of War”, “Murmuring Judges”, “Skylight”, “Stuff Happens” and – my favourite of them all – “Amy’s View”, has got to be counted amongst the gods of contemporary playwrights.

So, I was excited, and after just over two hours (for it runs without an interval), I wasn’t sure. It is a very dense play, crammed with facts, figures, historical events – and even mathematical formulae. It has the great seriousness of purpose that I so like in his work (and how could an analysis of the current financial crisis fail to?) – and it is an absolute endorsement of theatre as THE art form to encourage reflection, debate, understanding and dialogue about our immediate surroundings.

And yet, it did, at times, feel like a draft, not a play. The sub-title is “A Dramatist Attempts To Make Sense of the Financial Crisis” – and therein lies some of the problem. The play is, a verbatim record of Hare’s characteristically pains-taking research and meetings with the people directly involved in, and writing about, the crisis: real people, real conversations, real exchanges. The cast of characters (and to some extent, the cast itself) is huge – and this has necessitated (in Hare’s opinion, at least) the need to precede every appearance made by any character with a Choric figure announcing his or her name, role and involvement in the crisis. This slows the pace considerably, and I wonder how necessary it was, either at all (after all, the endless Dramatis Personae in Shakespearean history plays don’t get the equivalent of a personal introduction every time they open their mouths…), or through some other medium (the set is magnificent and consists almost entirely of projections: there would have been one alternative, at least…). We keep returning to the figure of Hare himself being asked by a kindly, female trader who has been roped into briefing him if he is “alright” and if he is “keeping up” – and it’s hard not to see that as a quick reminder to the audience that this is what they are being expected to do. I felt at some points in the evening that what this should really be is an extended essay in one of the few periodicals that still publishes these things: “The New Yorker” or (oddly) “Vanity Fair” where Hitchens has been so brilliantly contrary – but that is to dispute my credit to Hare for exploiting theatre as a medium so brilliantly, so it becomes self-defeating.

In a very different play, by a very different dramatist, Alan Bennett gets round the issue of having himself on stage (and tackles this issue of “trying to understand how I feel about something”) through the device of two “Alan Bennett’s” in “The Lady in the Van” – and it works very well indeed (although the comic tenor of that play is a little more forgiving to this sort of conceit than Hare’s aggressively “real” piece would be…

I think what stirred me into thinking “This is a draft” is that there is a magnificent, and all too brief scene when Hare is matched with a female journalist who reported on the crisis and who (it transpires) used to count amongst her friends a number of the bankers involved, or those very like them. Maybe it’s Hare’s undoubted flair for writing female characters, maybe it’s because “writer to writer” something comes alive in the language, but this is the scene that sets fire to the whole night and made me wish for more of the same. In response to Hare’s bewildered (and utterly credible) cry of “Why has not one banker apologised for this? How can they be so arrogant?”, she asks him “And when critics attack your work, do you think they’re right? Do you revise your opinion, do you change what you wrote, or what you will write?” and the play moves into a new dimension.

My parents, I should say, were unreserved in their admiration for the piece: intention and execution, and I would certainly recommend it to anyone, but perhaps in the way that one might recommend “All’s Well That Ends Well” (which I directed my own broken-backed production of when at University…) or “Measure for Measure” to someone: fascinating, but apt to leave one thinking about what the structure is and might be, as much as simply enjoying what is there in front of one.

The Disco Break

There are some things that I would do almost anything to avoid. Chief amongst these would be seeing “Cyrano de Bergerac” performed by amateurs under the age of 15, trying to learn how to fill in SAP time sheets, or doing my “I think you’ve really found the beginning of something brilliant here” face for more than five minutes at a stretch. All of these things, however, I HAVE done – but there is one thing that I have not done (and to be fair, was not invited to do): a “Disco Break” in the gay bars of Manhattan for six days.

Wife, however, could not have been happier at the prospect, and so she flew over to see Talented Photographer for six days and nights in Manhattan, while I took the week off work to look after the children. Were I to record all of Wife’s exploits here, they’d be hard to credit: the night where the cabaret consisted of a woman dressed as a vagina, rubbing a glitter-speckled plastic tongue up the length of “her” labia; the mid-op transsexual who sodomised himself with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s (as Jude Law inter alia looked on); the pool party to which the wearing of a gold bikini and an Afro wig was (apparently) “de rigueur” – these are but the tip of the iceberg. But – fuck me: childcare is hard work!

Thankfully, Wife (who vanished in a flurry of tears and luggage late on Friday) had left me notes of such regimented precision that there was no way that I could slip up. But I (who had, naively been anticipating a slacking off in the pace of the workplace) was absolutely staggered at the amount of effort, energy and organisation it takes to get three children to school, after school clubs, playdates and then bed, without forgetting to wash and iron their clothes, or buy and cook them food. No wonder Wife is as thin as she is: I can’t imagine when she gets time to eat…

Any full-time carers reading this will no doubt be rolling their eyes and shouting “Well…DUHHHH!” at their screens: but this isn’t a tale of “Professional Guy Takes On The Childcare And Through A Series Of Hilarious Fuck Ups Learns Real Life Lessons” – I did a sterling job, with the children on time, on best manners and well turned out wherever they had to be – but it was a real eye-opener in what should be a mainstay of my professional skills: the ability to walk a mile in someone very different’s shoes (even if the person in question was my wife and the mother of my children).

Anyway: she’s back now, thank God – utterly exhausted and Disco’ed out, needing a holiday to get over her holiday – and so life will resume its usual pattern: and I, for one, will be glad of the rest.

And don’t just sit there and think to yourself: “Well… nothing.” – remember Burke’s words about the triumph of evil and then re-think your Timberlake-neutral position.

My argument – in simple terms – is that this can’t go on. Either we must have him stripped, covered in cow shit and put on a rotating wheel at which the populace can throw stuff, or we have him electrocuted.

The preening little FUCK has just ruined my breakfast (or rather, MTV has just ruined my breakfast, by broadcasting “Justin Timberlake’s All Time Top Ten” at a time when people are trying to cope with the fact that they are at work, but that they will bloody well have a coffee in the cafe before they start dealing with the day’s inanities), with his pouting, arse-wiggling, one palm on sternum, head-nodding ARSERY. I don’t know if I’m more incensed by his collaboration with Madonna, and the sight of her crepe-y tits walloping up and down as she does her “enthusiastically-still-with-it” face; or the HORRIFYING “Love Sex Magic”, wherein Timbercunt is cast as some kind of discerning connoisseur of the female form, and the anonymous female singer of the track pushes her vagina into his face and crotch, desperate to please him. However, HE has seen MUCH better vaginas than THAT! And he knows her vagina to be RUBBISH. So he pops a dog lead on her (I shit you not) and then rests his feet on her. He’s just not going to give her the time of day – but he WILL bite her lip later, lucky her (but only when she is dressed up as a prostitute). If you’ve got a daughter, this sort of thing really makes you angry. If you’ve simply got ears it’s no laughing matter, of course, but there is something about seeing sniggering frat boy fucks like Timbertwat collude in this horrible presentation of women as prostitutes and themselves as very desirable clients that makes me want to lock Daughter up in a tower so that she never sees a world that thinks that this is OK.

So, I suppose my plea is: let’s kill Justin Timberlake. Of course, he isn’t the cause of all that’s wrong – even of all that’s wrong in pop culture’s stomach-turning portrayal of women – but he is a high profile symptom. And it would be funny to see if that little squeaking sound he does when he’s a-slidin’ to the left is the same noise he would make when his feet are on fire, wouldn’t it?

Grading Hangovers

  1. The one where one opens one’s eyes in the morning, in a wary state of investigation. It wasn’t an insane night: you were in bed before 1am, and you didn’t do anything unwise involving shots. As you sit up, the headache begins to massage your temples, but lightly: like an otter on a bank. A couple of glasses of Ribena, two  Nurofen and a banana, and you’ll be right as rain.
  2. The one when the headache is what wakes you up – often in the middle of the night, and sends you trotting off to look for pain relief. Often complemented by an opportunity to stare with loathing at your pouchy-eyed reflection in the bathroom mirror at 3am, wondering if throwing up would make you feel better, or MUCH worse. Sleep is the only cure for this one: about nineteen hours of it.
  3. The one were you feel like you have been attacked by a hooligan with a baseball bat, and then coerced into a bath full of ice.

This is the one that Wife and I experienced yesterday, in the wake of Woman Whom We Didn’t Know That Well Before We Went On Holiday With Her’s fortieth birthday party celebration: a brilliant occasion, where (sadly) the Champagne didn’t dry up all evening.

I’m a tit when there’s free Champagne: I simply cannot say no – and then I get over-excited and start smoking as well – so Wife and I arrived at eight and neither one of us once managed the phrase “No, I’m alright for the moment, thank you”. Wife added to her misery by wearing a pair of stupidly painful shoes and dancing (I, as I have mentioned before, adhere to my father’s admirable “No dancing after 35 or six foot: whichever comes first.” rule – as it seemed did all the men present).

Anyway, a little after midnight, I decided to go off and relieve the babysitter, and set off on foot. Half an hour later, I arrived at home, having been apparently blown home on a very cold gust of wind. So it was that when I awoke, I had all the trappings of a hangover AND an aching back, which has since blossomed into a persistent and sharp ache. Wife and I barely moved all day and watched shit TV and had a picnic in the sitting room. I still feel as though someone is bell-ringing inside my head, and have thus gone in for my standard “I’m never drinking again” refrain.

This was Woody Allen in Robert de Niro’s Body Creative Director’s Body question to me as we sat together on a flight to Milan, pondering the identity of a colleague’s adopted children.

Said colleague is gay, and he and his partner have adopted two Guatemalan children, both boys. The youngest of these two boys (who is about five) is shaping up to be an enthusiastic transvestite AND shoe fetishist. Now, I am not in the least advocating anything that might read like a “healthy, natural inclinations” manifesto – but I suppose that we were both in our conversation wondering at what point do you actively encourage your son to become the next RuPaul?

If a four year-old boy is requesting a Barbie Doll, red sequined slippers, and wants to watch “Cabaret” again, do you say “OK” – or do you try and say maybe (not an Action Man) but a jigsaw puzzle, or a viewing of “Fantasia” might be better? I mean, clearly, you don’t equip him with a toy gun, a John Huston box-set and a pit-bull – but is furnishing him with The Best of Cher, a Bob Mackie gown and “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” any more right?

We couldn’t work it out. Maybe someone out there can…

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