Eiljert Gabbles On

I think I have achieved what professional success I have by being outwardly frosty, dour and withdrawn from people: who ISN’T going to want to be around someone like that and reward them with high-ranking positions and riches beyond the dreams of Croesus? This persona also gives me opportunities to be so blisteringly sarcastic, scatological of tongue and relentlessly critical that it gives a humourous lift to the day (particularly mine), especially when I catch that most precious of expressions in someone’s eyes: “Is he joking, or does he actually think I am a workshy fuckhead with the intellectual and creative capacity of a Hydrangea?”

Unfortunately, the carapace crumbled, like the blistered sugar topping on a Creme Brulee, under the weight of an attacking spoon today, because Someone Is In Trouble And Needs Help. Account Director I Wasn’t Sure About But Have Warmed To looked as though she was going to burst into tears today when I went to see her about a meeting this afternoon, and so I have re-written her presentation and have agreed that I will present it in her stead. The gratitude with which she responded was a little bit shaming – as if I had offered her a lift in the last chopper out of Baghdad, rather than confirmed that it would be my index finger clicking through the PowerPoint. Anyway, my cover’s blown and as I powered away from her desk there was a lot of “What a nice guy.” and “You see? I told you it was all a put-on…” which is quelque chose d’un fucker.

I’ll have to think up a new identity – maybe one involving wearing football kit to all occasions and laughing loudly to myself before bursting into floods of tears. That should keep them guessing…