I love the saying “I got out of the wrong side of the bed”: it’s one of those phrases that has an almost cartoon-like quality, the suggestion that the sort of day one will have is arbitrary (but inevitable) in its direction, and all that it hinges on is which side of the bed one swung one’s legs out of: the premise that underpinned the ghastly “Sliding Doors” – the film that launched a thousand ill-considered haircuts…
Wife used the phrase yesterday to explain why she was in a filthy mood, but she used it with a smile on her face, and an utter realisation that she had no logical reason to be so furious.
I had spent the previous day in an absolutely foul mood, but that was entirely based on my ludicrous decision to slap tables, down red wine and demand Puccini until 2.30am. Nevertheless, to various people who were unfortunate enough to come across my path that morning (specifically Account Manager About Whom I Have Changed My Mind, who is in danger of a significant name-change, perhaps to “Account Manager Who Wants to Watch Her Fucking Step”), they might have wondered about my bedside exit strategy, because I was a little BEAST for the entire day. When I got home and Wife (who, let us not forget had had no more sleep, though rather less red wine than me, and was thus also exhausted) that I had to lug boxes out of the cellar and the attics in my diminished state, I came very close to bursting into tears. Or setting fire to something.
Wife dealt with her quandary rather more straightforwardly: she got into bed and shouted for me to perform every menial task she could thing of, including the memorable (and slap-worthy) “Could you turn my light on?” and “Could you change the DVD disc, please?”, but also stretching to issues of tea-preparation and delivery, and pedicure. All this served to interrupt the brilliant “Who Do You Think You Are?” on TV, featuring Boris Johnson who is as magnetically fascinating on TV as he is repellent in his political views, although I did like his book on the Roman Empire.
Concerned readers will be pleased to hear that Wife has risen from her bed this morning a paragon of loveliness and is likely to remain so for the foreseeable future.
